Growing Pains
A poem, and an appearance on Matt Presti's TEC Talks
I am the compost heap I’ve been meaning to build in the garden, filling right up with absolute rubbish. I am the lonely seed scattered far in this most barren of worlds like a nucleus without electrons. I am the water drop falling from the highest grace of Heaven and crashing into the turbulent soil. I am the wry sapling, restlessly ageing through its drawn-out youth unforgiving of its not-growing-up. I am the vivid oak, deepening my roots with each passing day, somewhat bemused by the version of me who was ever worried in the first place.
Growing Pains ~ A Poem by Tom Shaw
Something I continue to battle with is a sense that I’m not experienced and qualified enough to be taking on the things I want to take on, or to be elevated on public platforms and interviews to talk about my work. It stems from a “not-good-enough” complex within my shadow that I regularly find myself peeling away new layers of.
My time in school was a great reinforcer of that complex. I was constantly in situations where my “validation” as a human being was coming directly from my grades and academic attainment rather than the quality of my being. And I played along with it in the hopes I would eventually find a path to be truly seen or heard, but in doing so became my own abuser and to be the one telling myself I “wasn’t good enough” and believing that’s what everyone else thought of me - true or not. I was often derided by my peers for being a “teacher’s pet” - which is true. I do like to think it didn’t warrant the regular insults and practical jokes that were laden on me as a result - but much of that stemmed from the fact that I wasn’t willing to stand up for myself. Because, for me, my path to being valued at home and by those around me was through purely academic attainment.
I got some fantastic grades. And yet I felt completely hollow. I had moments where I began to snap towards the end of school, whether it be running away from home one night or in an entire day at school where I refused to say a single word to anyone and blocked them out of my consciousness.
At first, dental school seemed like a clean break from that. Then, a tiny little thing called Covid came along and decided to turn my perception of the world upside-down. And with it, the “not-good-enough” complex came back with a new vengeance. I ultimately chose to leave the course I was on when I realised that I would have to poison people just to get a piece of paper saying I could practise.
That began the commitment to finding validation from within rather than without. And there’s still a long way for me to go - I can struggle to allow myself the breaks I know I need, or to treat my body and my health with the reverence I would gladly give to anyone else’s, because my shadow still challenges my ability to feel that self-worth.
It’s a story with aspects that many young people have echoed to me in their own battle in finding self-worth, created in part by the societal expectation of pure conformity and by a lack of individuals and communities who are able to hold space for youth as they find that. It’s what motivates me to ensure the offerings provided through Over To The Youth address those needs in the best way possible.
It’s also what motivates me to write poetry. Poetry is the way to speak to and with our souls, and redress the self-limiting patterns that find their way into our behaviours. And it’s what motivates me to both share my poems - and how I write poems for making sense of my circumstances - with others.
The poem I’m sharing today is, in a way, an encapsulation that entire journey and the thoughts I’ve shared here regarding my journey. It originated in a writing workshop many months back, and I re-worked it slightly in preparation for a conversation with
for his TEC Talks series, where I debuted it live. We also had a great conversation around poetry and writing in general, as well as sharing some of our other pieces. Check out the episode in full below:
A huge thank-you to Matt for having me on, and to all of you for taking the time to read this. I hope this has sparked something for you as we prepare to forge into 2025 with all the trials, tribulations, gifts and wonders it will bring.
With gratitude,
Tom
Tom,
Searching Richard Grove's "Tragedy And Hope" may help. My cut-&-paste of links doesn't seem to work here. I have spent thousands of hours taking notes listening and writing about this stuff. (Since 2011 for me.)
Note: 58 / 108 min
"Kung fu" of intellectual self defense.
See also
Mark Passio + Natural Law.
https://www.podomatic.com/podcasts/peacerevolution/episodes/2010-01-20T16_36_22-08_00
Tom,
There are so many parallels between your professional preparations and mine. I was much slower to catch on to the poisonous offerings I was required to provide, services designed into my profession, compulsory public schooling.
For years I was sure the damage I knew I was causing, the stunting of creative and intellectual potentials, was a direct result of my own incompetence.
My imaginary companion was a profound sense of inadequacy.
More later...
mark spark
.