Tree-Eyed Sonnet
The trees have eyes, and they see what we become - even when we cannot.
Through our knotty eyes, we trees witness you, and we cannot help but think: How freakish! No bare goblin-feet or fair fairy wings, you move so cold, as if you’ve a death-wish! How sad that the sun’s magic escapes you; there’s no steel sky barricading our minds. You pass unrooted over our root-tops in man-made caravans with your closed blinds. How can you blossom when keeping to shade? Creaking our branches, despite all the pain, our tender twigs are here for you to hold... You suffer on under a soulless strain. We trees have eyes; we see you wandering aimlessly, lonesomely. Do you see too?
Tree-Eyed Sonnet ~ A Poem by Tom Shaw
I rarely feel ‘at home’ in most places I visit - and I have for as long as I can remember. My definition of “home” is somewhere I feel sense of belonging, and that’s what I often struggle to find in the places I go and people I spend time with. Some of this has definitely been exacerbated in the past few years as my own perspectives on life have become more and more distant from the people I’ve grown up with. But it’s also older than that, too.
I have a memory from primary school - I would have been around 5 or 6 years old - where I was told I couldn’t join in a game of Doctor Who with my classmates. Apparently, I didn’t know enough about Doctor Who to be able to join in. This was despite me having seen every episode since the revival with Christopher Eccleston in 2005. Despite my pleas and demonstrations of my deep understanding of contemporary Doctor Who lore, I was met with the same “no” each time. Cue the sadness that evolved into self-blame, and me thinking to myself “what is wrong with me to have allowed this to happen?”
Where am I now, around 19 years after this incident? All too often I find myself feeling as if I have lots to share with the world and a drive to bring that to others… but at every turn feeling like I’m being told that it’s not welcome. I stopped standing up for myself and for my convictions, not believing what I bring to this world would be appreciated by those around me. I started just doing what was expected of me to “fit in”, as any deviation from that would’ve left me with nothing. I didn’t have the skills or abilities to survive with nothing as a child - and with this coping mechanism, I never fully developed them. Becoming aware of so many false narratives and manipulation agendas at play over the past few years, it’s been a painful process to have gone through; I’ve felt woefully unprepared to speak out on them, despite knowing that’s what the situation calls me to do.
That toddler version of me has never truly gone offline, and I’ve never truly been able to transcend that fear of being alone and not being able to share the joys of this world with others. So often it feels like it’s up to that solo 5-year-old kid to save the entire world from an “alien” threat, and then some - perhaps not too dissimilar to The Doctor of Doctor Who. Except, the world isn’t ready to be saved and is actively hostile to my attempts to approach it genuinely. But this is no way to live. In remaining trapped in that victimised state, the “sun’s magic” continues to escape me, a “steel sky barricading [my] mind” and I “suffer on under a soulless strain”.
I know the trees and forests of this world look on at me whenever I pass them on my walks. I know they feel a deep sadness in the way I navigate them. The trees are inherently grounded, and connected to the moment; they see that I am not, still stuck in that programming of the past that keeps me in the shade. And I do not see what they see.
It’s clear to me that I can only understand what’s going on - and find a path to move forward - if I can get curious about that past version of me and what still burns within me from that period of my life. I’d like to share my process of how I’m doing that, and I’ve been working on a new offering so you have an exercise to help you in similar circumstances in your life. Introducing ‘The Fire Within’.
The Fire Within is not just a group poetry workshop. It is a ritual space for exploring what is alive within us, using poetry as a means of passing through this. There’ll be a combination of readings, writings, and guided meditations to see if there are any long-standing fires within us that are ready to die down, and to see which past versions of ourselves are the ones keeping the flames alive.
Whether you consider yourself a poetry writer or not, you are welcome to join this space. The inaugural session will be open exclusively for paid subscribers and special invitees on this Sunday, 30th March, at 7pm UK Time. I’ll then be making sessions available in the coming months, so make sure you’re subscribed to be notified when those become available:
And if you want to become a paid subscriber and join the session, there’s still time to do that too!
I hope this poem has sparked something for you, and I look forward to connecting with you again soon, in whatever form that takes.
With gratitude,
Tom
Tom, your poem made me think that the more we live disconnected from the nature, the sadder and more lonely we feel....The more we are in the nature, the better we feel. May be by identifying the elements which distance us from the nature, we can reduce them, feel living a more purposeful life and be happier.
Very insightful. Thank you for sharing.